Thursday, April 29, 2010

Musing No. 84 - Balance

Have I ever told you that I'm a professional plate spinner? I have so many plates going I make myself dizzy. I've got the wife plate going, the mama plate, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, lover, employee etc... That's a lot of plates! Can you relate? Probably.

With all these plates going at once it requires a lot of balance. Balance is not my forte. It seems as soon as you have all your plates spinning in unison life throws a gust of wind your way throwing your balance off. Just as I thought I had the mama plate going we made the decision to move. Just as I got the mama & work plate going I was laid off.

Recently I've been pretty amazed at my spinning skills. This is the first I've worked out of the home in a full time job in several years. Not to mention a challenging schedule (2nd shift). It has taken some time, patience and discipline but I'm getting pretty good at this balance thing. Though it takes getting up a little earlier (me) or staying up a little later (him) Hubby and I manage to enjoy at least two meals together despite having opposite schedules. I spend quality time with my very energetic toddler, who thinks its thrilling to get into everything, including play dates and trips to the park. I clean my house and manage to keep some semblence of order. We go to church and manage to squeeze in ocassional trists with our girlfriend (church and illicit sex in the same sentence? gasp! lol I couldn't resist, my life is a dichotomy) This is in addition to working full days (well technically nights) where I am currently exceeding my goals. Somehow amomgst all this I still manage time for myself; reading, yoga (so I can keep my sanity), ocassional bubble baths and regular orgasms.

This is my ideal. I have carefully honed my ability to balance all the plates of life without spinning out of control. However much as I try I'm not Superwoman. So when the gusts of wind come my way there is nothing more I can do than pick up the pieces and begin again.

For instance my sex blogging plate doesn't spin as smoothly as I would like. Finding uninterupted quiet time isn't always easy. As I type I am on my break at work; squeezing in where I can. Also, as I learned yesterday evening taking HNT photos after getting home from work at 10:30pm isnt conducive to the mood. At that point I and my photographer (hubby) are dog tired and sexying it up for the camera is unlikely. There's always the weekend!

That's the thing about spinning so many plates; sometimes you have to get creative to find your balance.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Musing. No. 83 - Shut Down

…that’s what I do when faced with a stressful situation. Not good but that’s how I function until I can come to terms with whatever is transpiring within my life. I curl up within my little cocoon…until I’m ready to face the world again. Unfortunately my blog is not immune.

Hubby and I recently had a scare. The big C word was raising it’s ugly head again. Hubby is a Cancer survivor. 5 years. There was an agonizing period of time when it was a very real possibility Hubby had Cancer again. We are relieved and very thankful that Hubby has been given a clean bill of health!

And to add insult to injury, while going through the Cancer scare, Hubby’s diabetes was completely out of control. Which meant an emergency trip to the hospital because there was concern he was having a stroke. Thankfully that too was a false alarm. But Hubby does now have a constant reminder how important it is to keep his health on track. He has permanent nerve damage in his hand and arm. It’s still functioning but painful. It’s possible to repair over time…but only time will tell.

All this amidst moving, adjusting going back to work and my new schedule, continued family drama and a very active toddler…I was just a wee bit overwhelmed. And I’ll admit the stress of life coupled with very little time together has been somewhat damaging to our relationship. However, we have managed to work through it, as we always do, and hopefully having reached the ‘other side‘ we have learned something substantial. I am a firm believer in the philosophy of that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I am proud to say the same of our marriage. All marriages go through rough patches and we are most definitely not immune. However, it makes me proud to think that when the chips are down, though we may be temporarily stunned, we always brush ourselves off…and rise…together.

I realize shutting myself off from the outside world is not exactly the best way to deal with the trials and tribulations of life. Numerous times I sat here…screen blank…and the words simply wouldn’t come. I am envious of those who can utilize the written word to vent their frustration and sort out their chaotic thoughts. This is not a tool I have within my arsenal.

That being said…life is finally normalizing and I finally feel as I can come back up for air. Now that the chaos has passed I can reflect.

Life is remarkably well. I am almost afraid to verbalize how good I feel for fear the next shoe will drop. But in truth I am happier than I have been in some time.

My new position is going amazingly well. The schedule that we were once so nervous about has actually turned out the perfect combination for us. Because our time is more limited Hubby and I have been forced to put forth the effort to spend quality time together when it presents itself…something we now realize we had allow to fall by the wayside. Time is something you take for granted when you think it will always be in ample supply. We have also found it suits us well to have time to ourselves.

Independence, a sense of self and autonomy is important within a relationship.

Though it takes some sacrifice (a little less sleep) and discipline I find that after being able to squeeze in some time with Hubby during our early morning breakfasts I revel in those few moments of solidarity while our daughter is still sleeping peacefully in bed. During these precious moments in the wee hours of the morning I am able to take the much needed time for myself. I read, write in my journal, yoga, masturbate, reflect upon my day or some mornings just lazily sip my coffee. It has become quite cathartic.

Due to the changes within our life we have put the lifestyle somewhat on the back burner. We haven’t actively pursued new lovers. However, we are still seeing our girlfriend Callie. Friday evening we have a date with she and her boyfriend. After several cancelled plans due to conflicting schedules this will be the first we have met him. It should be interesting to see if we all click. I have some reservations, which I will discuss at a later date, but I am hopeful because we thoroughly enjoy our time with Callie.

Over the last few months we are finding our desires, needs and expectations within the lifestyle are changing a bit. Perhaps we are growing. We are somewhat torn in what we want. Until we can articulate in a tangible way we will continue with the status quo. We had previously considered playing separately however this is a desire that never came to fruition. Considering the recent stresses of life I think it will be a while before we decide to take that particular fantasy into reality.

So, I am still here, perhaps a little worse for the wear, but hopefully a bit wiser.