Musing No. 80 - Awkward.

My Saturday night did not turn out exactly as I would have liked. I was going to write about it yesterday but instead decided to take some time to reflect and hopefully calm down because honestly I was quite angry at the whole situation.

I have the nasty habit of being passive aggressive within my relationships (who me?). This is something I work very hard at keeping in check but unfortunately I am human and thus fallible. I wrote recently about a woman, Samantha, who is part of a couple that I was feeling uncomfortable with. I agreed to give them a chance, for Hubby’s sake, and get together with the hopes that perhaps we were reading them wrong. While a portion of my thought process was to give them a fair shot I admit a majority of my motivation had significant passive aggressive undertones. I hoped, that if I was right and they were trouble, that by giving Hubby the freedom to explore that interest he would see them (or her) for the cads they really are and loose all interest, thereby making me feel vindicated. Not smart and not emotionally mature behavior!

I could have (and looking back should have) pulled the plug at any given time. When I attempted to flirt with her for the millionth time via text, a few hours before we were set to meet, and was again met with “I’m so wonderful, you’re lucking I’m talking to you” sort of blasé response I should have nixed the whole thing.

But, I didn’t.

In my defence I did go into the evening with the intention of having a good time. I had given Samantha and the whole situation way too much head space. So, what does any girl do if she wants to feel sexy and amazing?!? Get a new outfit of course!!! I bought a new black bustier (which will be making an appearance for HNT btw) which made my breasts look amazing. I spent the afternoon being pampered with a mani and pedi. I wore the perfect outfit to accentuate my assets; my new bustier, a short black skirt, a black sweater with the buttons undone enough to peak at what was underneath and my favorite ‘come fuck me’ boots. I looked and felt amazing!

We met at the local Outback for dinner. I was impressed that her Hubby was much more outgoing than I had expected. He was very shy from the onset and I was afraid that would be the case in person. Though he was significantly more outgoing in person he was not flirtatious in any way. I questioned numerous times throughout the evening if he was even the slightest bit attracted to me. And that would be perfectly ok if he wasn't. Not everyone is attracted.

She on the other hand was quite into Hubby and showed it. This made the entire evening feel very one sided and awkward. Poor Hubby didn’t know what to do because while he was most definitely attracted to Samantha and like anyone enjoyed the attention he didn’t want me to feel left out.

We left from dinner and went to a local bar for drinks. Again I should have utilized our code phrase and left.

But, I didn’t.

I’m a stubborn, hard headed bitch at times. So, I don’t take well to being put in my place, as was apparently Samantha’s goal the whole evening. I certainly wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction. So, I flirted, laughed and joked with the best of them; but of course, good girl that I am, I did so in as a respectful and tasteful way as I could muster.

Samantha had told us previously that the most recent couple they had met had not turned out well. The guy was very into her but the woman was ‘a lump on a log’. She said the woman didn’t like her at all. Well, after spending an entire evening with her I can understand why. After hearing the story previously I should have seen the red flags and cancelled.

But, I didn’t.

So, I watched as Samantha did one thing after another to garner attention from both of our spouses. I watched as she would literally turn her back to me if I said or did anything that directed the spot light my way. She was, as Hubby refers to it, very ‘Me-Centric’. I swear, “Anything you can do, I can do better!” was playing over and over in her head the entire evening. The phrases, “I’m crazy!”, “Don’t you think I’m crazy?” were repeated, over and over and over, to the point I wanted to shove them down her throat.

I love people who love life. Our girlfriend, Callie, loves life! She is flirtatious, charming and sometimes a complete ham! But she does so because she’s loving herself and the people around her and wants to have a good time. She naturally gets a lot of attention because her gregarious personality and zest for life is infectious and she makes people around her feel good! Samantha, on the other hand, is a show-off who needs to have ALL the attention to rally her self esteem. Not only is this quality very fake and somewhat pathetic but also very unattractive.

So, while she may have a very attractive body, because her personality was less than appealing I had ZERO attraction to her. This is another aspect that made the whole situation very awkward because while Hubby was annoyed by the “Hey y’all, watch this!” antics he could more easily put it aside because he found her physically sexy.

This is a new situation we found ourselves in and as such we probably didn’t handle it the best. We do not always find everyone equally as appealing. But, generally there is some basic attraction that either of us can expand on. In this case there was nothing to work with on my end - no where to go. So, do I take one for the team because Hubby digs her or do I respectfully decline and tell Hubby “Sorry, better luck next time”?

I might have taken one for the team if I had my own playmate to direct my attention. But, her Hubby was very much a cold fish. Evidently he did find me attractive, and told Hubby as much while I was in the ladies room. But he never gave me any inkling. I might have been (might is a very broad term because after all the drama I’m not sure how comfortable I could have really been) open to sitting this one out and letting Hubby play alone - but this couple has no interest in that.

It was very much a no win situation.

In the end while it was very annoying it was not something I couldn’t deal with and easily bounce back from…

Well, sort of… Hubby did get a bit carried away with the attention and his desire. There were a few moments that were somewhat pressuring because he was really really hoping we would all click. For example when, after Samantha and Hubby had been at the bar whispering, they both rushed over like little kids to their mama saying, “He’s really into you, just go up and kiss him!” It was very much, “We REALLY want to play so you two get on board! Pleeeeeeease!”. And the numerous questions whispered from Hubby, “Do you like her?” and as he looked her up and down, “Isn’t she hot!, Don’t you like her?” etc… was not comfortable. And finally, at the end of the evening, after I got short vanilla kiss from both Samantha and her Hubby, she and my Hubby got in full on make out mode with a passionate long kiss, which made it more so uncomfortable. While I could cut him some slack because I’m sure he would not intentionally make me feel uncomfortable and I could understand it is easy to get carried away with your desires, it was unpleasant nonetheless.

So in the end I was a very angry girl. I was angry at Samantha’s behavior. I was angry that Hubby was in my opinion disrespectful by pressuring me and part of me wished he would ‘defend my honor’. But most importantly I was angry at myself; angry for not communicating enough what I wanted, angry for being passive aggressive by basically ‘testing’ Hubby by putting him in a situation I knew I would feel uncomfortable and he would be tempted.

A bruised ego but lots of lessons learned!