Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I looked at my pussy today. One of my ‘self help’ books, as part of embracing your sensuality, asks that you look at your pussy. Not only look at it but also discover it, paying close attention to the numerous changes as you become aroused, and taking note of the color, shape and delicate curve of your most sensitive skin.
I was a bit uneasy about this little exercise. I have not viewed my pussy since giving birth. I was nervous at the possibilities. What if I didn’t like what I saw? What if my perfectly symmetrical pink pussy was forever lost?
I braved ahead and I am thrilled that I did. With a deep sigh of relief I viewed what is still a gorgeous pussy. There are subtle changes. The lighter shades of pink have been replaced with a lovely deeper shade of pink. My lips are more voluptuous and full. However, much is the same. My small hood is still perfectly perched atop my clit and a twin pair of symmetrical lips hinting at the pleasures to be found within.
I love my pussy.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Regardless of the happenings of the previous year I always look forward with great anticipation to the New Year. There is something to be said for that symbolic renewal a new year brings. This year seems oddly different. We are all familiar with the New Year’s Resolution but perhaps it is because I have already begun to make changes with in my life there isn’t the need for the motivation which symbolism provides.
I feel I am on the cusp of something new, exciting and empowering. I can nearly feel in a tangible way energy coursing through my body in anticipation. Am I being a little over dramatic over what may seem like fairly minor changes to others? Perhaps. But at the end of the day it is my joy that is significant in my life and I am feeling quite joyful these days.
I have delved into self-discovery but in a different way than I have ever experienced. Rather than looking at what is wrong in my life I have made the conscious choice to look at what is right in my life. My desires are being put on the forefront with an exuberance I haven’t experienced since my youth. I have always said that I am a work in progress. While I will never say I have arrived or I have it all figured out (who does?) I do have the sense that I am on the right track.
One afternoon I curled up with a cup of tea and literally made a list of my desires. Whether it is a condo on the beach or something seemingly minor, like the perfect cup of coffee, I listed any and every thing that tickled my fancy. You don’t realize how pleasure starved you are until you begin to list your desires.
Having a tangible list to refer to is empowering in some way. It is even more so empowering to mark the desires off my list. This morning, while drinking that perfect cup of coffee, I reflected over my list of desires. It feels decedent, for the first time in ages, to focus on my needs, wants and desires without guilt.
This focus on pleasure has impacted every facet of my life. I have taken the time to read again. In the last three weeks I have read 4 books. As a new mama I can’t begin to tell you what an accomplishment this is. I have surrounded myself with the inspirational works of the fabulously empowering women that have gone before me. I have struggled with body image my entire life. The after effects of having a baby have only magnified my self-loathing. So, for the first time in my life I decided not to diet. I’m done with counting calories, stressing over carbs and fat. Instead, much like the French, I am enjoying a little bit of all of the delectable flavors I love. Moderation is the theme. Amazingly I have lost 7 pounds; during the holiday season no less! I am learning to speak French, meditating every day, getting in touch with my physical self via yoga, pampering myself with bubble baths and facials. The list goes on.
I have found that not only has this inspired me but Hubby as well. He is eager to help me achieve my goals. Rather than feeling guilty, as I would normally, I am relishing in his attentions to my needs. And I can tell you; as a result, the roses he brought home for my desk smelled all the sweeter and the Saturday morning mimosas were all the tastier. Our stressors are still present and do cause moments of pause but on the whole my household is much more joyful.
P.S. I was out of pocket recently and missed HNT. Due to impending weather we bumped up our holiday travel plans and haven’t had Internet access until now.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Unfortunately, this week's HNT snuck up on me again. Damn! So...I'm recycling one of my favorite photos of my breasts. This photo ALWAYS makes an appearance on my swinger profile or when exchanging photos with prospective lovers because I love it so much. I will be joining in next week for Christmas themed fun...promise! xoxo ~Eva
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
With that in mind Hubby and I have decided to take advantage of this more carefree time to test the waters so to speak in opening our marriage…more. While the logistics are still being determined the anticipation is invigorating. Often times stepping out of ones comfort level can be a scary thing. There are of course the scary thoughts (the what if’s) but on the whole I am becoming more and more excited. It feels good to step outside myself and try something new; not only exploring my sexuality in a different way but expanding the boundaries of our relationship. Good things indeed.
In addition it is interesting to watch the evolution of my beliefs. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I am and will always be a work in progress. Life experiences continue enrich my life and expand my understanding of both myself and others. This is certainly true as it relates to my beliefs regarding relationships, marriage, individuality, and open marriage.
There was a time that I felt that having a lover separate from your partner was selfish. Swinging together did not have the same negative connotation for me. It was my belief that in experiencing new lovers together you were benefiting the relationship because you did it together and by doing so it was adding something to the relationship. So, with that concept in mind fucking someone alone was entirely about your needs and desires - not the relationship - thus, selfish. This was a concept I was not comfortable with.
I spent a greater part of my twenties consumed with pleasing those around me. To consider what I wanted was foreign to me and honestly down right uncomfortable. I won’t go on a tangent about how women in our society are taught to put themselves last; to be the perfect mother, daughter, wife means putting everyone else’s needs first. Yea. NOT going to go there, promise. *wink* Of course, I am sure spending years with an abusive, controlling and manipulative husband didn’t help matters.
At any rate, over the last few years, with Hubby’s support and gentle nudging when needed, I have slowly become more in touch with my pleasure. Along the journey I have slowly begun to question my previous thoughts regarding a fully open marriage. It recently came to me (with a bit of help from more in depth reading) that it is ok to enjoy something apart from your spouse; and if you so choose that can include fucking. That is no more selfish than Hubby watching a football game when he knows I don’t like sports (I’d rather be shopping). To have thought otherwise seems almost comical to me now!
I don’t know how things will evolve with this new found interest in opening our relationship further. However, I love the fact that we can embrace these new desires without threatening the solidity of our relationship. I’m sure this may seem trivial to those who have come to this epiphany long before me. But it’s almost like stepping out into the sunshine for the first time!
I recently finished reading the novel, “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin. The book is extraordinary! It is truly an awakening of a women who refuses to be caged. While my brief synopsis would never do it justice there is one line that is very fitting here and that which has caused me to think more than any book I have ever read.
“You have been a very, very foolish boy, wasting your time dreaming of impossible things when you speak of Mr. Pontellier setting me free! I am no longer one of Mr. Pontellier’s possessions to dispose of or not. I give myself where I choose. If he were to say, ‘Here, Robert, take her and be happy; she is yours,’ I should laugh at you both.”
I love that!!! "I GIVE MYSELF WHERE I CHOOSE!"
Perhaps this is my awakening….
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Does this mean there is trouble in paradise? Absolutely not. However, this is relatively new territory for us so we are dealing with the expected nervousness of the “what if”. We delved briefly into playing separately very early on in our relationship. However, at the time we were enjoying the newness of each other and playing alone wasn’t as enticing as enjoying new experiences and lovers together.
What has brought forth this renewed interest? Perhaps it is our desire to identify ourselves as individuals. The responsibilities of life can be smothering. It’s difficult when you feel you are solely identified by your role within your family unit. I think this is especially true of women; of mothers. I adore my daughter and relish being a mama. However, remembering we are more than a mama, wife, husband or daddy is at times difficult. What would it feel like to again just be Eva?
Does Hubby share these thoughts and motivations? I believe so. I also believe he misses the validation of being desired by someone who isn’t attached in some regard to his spouse. Swinging for men can be somewhat humbling. The truth is that often it is the women that receive the primary attention. The male partner is of course enjoyed but more as an added benefit than the star attraction. (This is of course not always the case but in our experience it is more common than not)
Because this is a new consideration we are still contemplating the details. I also think Hubby is still overcoming shock as this was my suggestion and is somewhat out of character for me. Many questions come to mind. Will we each have our own date night? Will one of us stay home with the baby while the other is out? Will we simply find a couple who plays in separate rooms? Will I play alone with another woman (something we’ve done before so this isn’t new territory) or a single man? There are a lot of crazy people in our world so Hubby has reservations of me meeting a man alone whom neither of us really know. So safety is another concern.
Of course the questions of how this will affect ‘us’ are also being tossed about. Will either of us be jealous? Jealousy is a natural emotion we have both experienced from time to time and have successfully dealt with. However, the differing dynamics of playing alone brings forth more opportunities for jealousy. How will we go forward in dealing with any jealous emotions that arise? What if one of us has a great time and the other does not? Where do we go from there? These are all expected questions and most certainly require some contemplation. I am confident we will be able to successfully navigate this new path with mutual respect, love and compassion.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Emotional attractiveness by far. Yes, physical attraction is important. But your personality greatly impacts your physical attractiveness. A person can have a kick ass body but a terrible personality which makes them less attractive. Where as someone can be moderately good looking and they have a rockin’ personality. That’s the person that is going to turn my head and get me wet.
2. On a scale from 1-10, how kinky are you?
7 or 8? I will (and have) try most anything once. I’m open to new experiences, new people, new sensations.
3. Sitting on Santa's lap... fun or creepy?
Oooh…that could be fun. You think if I tell Santa what a naughty girl I am he would spank me?!?
4. Have you ever fallen asleep or passed out during sex?
Thankfully no. I think my ego might be pretty bruised if someone fell asleep while I was fucking them. Ouch!
5. Do you wear socks to bed? Is that okay or totally unsexy?
Ha! Ha! I wore socks with Vicks on my feet when I was sick. Sooooo not sexy!
Bonus: What is your greatest strength? Weakness?
Sexually? I suck a mean cock! *wink* I also think I’m pretty good at the whole teasing seductive thing. Weakness? Hmmm… I’m not as in good a shape as I once was. So, there are times I just can’t stay in that same position forever. lol