Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I looked at my pussy today. One of my ‘self help’ books, as part of embracing your sensuality, asks that you look at your pussy. Not only look at it but also discover it, paying close attention to the numerous changes as you become aroused, and taking note of the color, shape and delicate curve of your most sensitive skin.
I was a bit uneasy about this little exercise. I have not viewed my pussy since giving birth. I was nervous at the possibilities. What if I didn’t like what I saw? What if my perfectly symmetrical pink pussy was forever lost?
I braved ahead and I am thrilled that I did. With a deep sigh of relief I viewed what is still a gorgeous pussy. There are subtle changes. The lighter shades of pink have been replaced with a lovely deeper shade of pink. My lips are more voluptuous and full. However, much is the same. My small hood is still perfectly perched atop my clit and a twin pair of symmetrical lips hinting at the pleasures to be found within.
I love my pussy.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Regardless of the happenings of the previous year I always look forward with great anticipation to the New Year. There is something to be said for that symbolic renewal a new year brings. This year seems oddly different. We are all familiar with the New Year’s Resolution but perhaps it is because I have already begun to make changes with in my life there isn’t the need for the motivation which symbolism provides.
I feel I am on the cusp of something new, exciting and empowering. I can nearly feel in a tangible way energy coursing through my body in anticipation. Am I being a little over dramatic over what may seem like fairly minor changes to others? Perhaps. But at the end of the day it is my joy that is significant in my life and I am feeling quite joyful these days.
I have delved into self-discovery but in a different way than I have ever experienced. Rather than looking at what is wrong in my life I have made the conscious choice to look at what is right in my life. My desires are being put on the forefront with an exuberance I haven’t experienced since my youth. I have always said that I am a work in progress. While I will never say I have arrived or I have it all figured out (who does?) I do have the sense that I am on the right track.
One afternoon I curled up with a cup of tea and literally made a list of my desires. Whether it is a condo on the beach or something seemingly minor, like the perfect cup of coffee, I listed any and every thing that tickled my fancy. You don’t realize how pleasure starved you are until you begin to list your desires.
Having a tangible list to refer to is empowering in some way. It is even more so empowering to mark the desires off my list. This morning, while drinking that perfect cup of coffee, I reflected over my list of desires. It feels decedent, for the first time in ages, to focus on my needs, wants and desires without guilt.
This focus on pleasure has impacted every facet of my life. I have taken the time to read again. In the last three weeks I have read 4 books. As a new mama I can’t begin to tell you what an accomplishment this is. I have surrounded myself with the inspirational works of the fabulously empowering women that have gone before me. I have struggled with body image my entire life. The after effects of having a baby have only magnified my self-loathing. So, for the first time in my life I decided not to diet. I’m done with counting calories, stressing over carbs and fat. Instead, much like the French, I am enjoying a little bit of all of the delectable flavors I love. Moderation is the theme. Amazingly I have lost 7 pounds; during the holiday season no less! I am learning to speak French, meditating every day, getting in touch with my physical self via yoga, pampering myself with bubble baths and facials. The list goes on.
I have found that not only has this inspired me but Hubby as well. He is eager to help me achieve my goals. Rather than feeling guilty, as I would normally, I am relishing in his attentions to my needs. And I can tell you; as a result, the roses he brought home for my desk smelled all the sweeter and the Saturday morning mimosas were all the tastier. Our stressors are still present and do cause moments of pause but on the whole my household is much more joyful.
P.S. I was out of pocket recently and missed HNT. Due to impending weather we bumped up our holiday travel plans and haven’t had Internet access until now.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Unfortunately, this week's HNT snuck up on me again. Damn! So...I'm recycling one of my favorite photos of my breasts. This photo ALWAYS makes an appearance on my swinger profile or when exchanging photos with prospective lovers because I love it so much. I will be joining in next week for Christmas themed fun...promise! xoxo ~Eva
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
With that in mind Hubby and I have decided to take advantage of this more carefree time to test the waters so to speak in opening our marriage…more. While the logistics are still being determined the anticipation is invigorating. Often times stepping out of ones comfort level can be a scary thing. There are of course the scary thoughts (the what if’s) but on the whole I am becoming more and more excited. It feels good to step outside myself and try something new; not only exploring my sexuality in a different way but expanding the boundaries of our relationship. Good things indeed.
In addition it is interesting to watch the evolution of my beliefs. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I am and will always be a work in progress. Life experiences continue enrich my life and expand my understanding of both myself and others. This is certainly true as it relates to my beliefs regarding relationships, marriage, individuality, and open marriage.
There was a time that I felt that having a lover separate from your partner was selfish. Swinging together did not have the same negative connotation for me. It was my belief that in experiencing new lovers together you were benefiting the relationship because you did it together and by doing so it was adding something to the relationship. So, with that concept in mind fucking someone alone was entirely about your needs and desires - not the relationship - thus, selfish. This was a concept I was not comfortable with.
I spent a greater part of my twenties consumed with pleasing those around me. To consider what I wanted was foreign to me and honestly down right uncomfortable. I won’t go on a tangent about how women in our society are taught to put themselves last; to be the perfect mother, daughter, wife means putting everyone else’s needs first. Yea. NOT going to go there, promise. *wink* Of course, I am sure spending years with an abusive, controlling and manipulative husband didn’t help matters.
At any rate, over the last few years, with Hubby’s support and gentle nudging when needed, I have slowly become more in touch with my pleasure. Along the journey I have slowly begun to question my previous thoughts regarding a fully open marriage. It recently came to me (with a bit of help from more in depth reading) that it is ok to enjoy something apart from your spouse; and if you so choose that can include fucking. That is no more selfish than Hubby watching a football game when he knows I don’t like sports (I’d rather be shopping). To have thought otherwise seems almost comical to me now!
I don’t know how things will evolve with this new found interest in opening our relationship further. However, I love the fact that we can embrace these new desires without threatening the solidity of our relationship. I’m sure this may seem trivial to those who have come to this epiphany long before me. But it’s almost like stepping out into the sunshine for the first time!
I recently finished reading the novel, “The Awakening” by Kate Chopin. The book is extraordinary! It is truly an awakening of a women who refuses to be caged. While my brief synopsis would never do it justice there is one line that is very fitting here and that which has caused me to think more than any book I have ever read.
“You have been a very, very foolish boy, wasting your time dreaming of impossible things when you speak of Mr. Pontellier setting me free! I am no longer one of Mr. Pontellier’s possessions to dispose of or not. I give myself where I choose. If he were to say, ‘Here, Robert, take her and be happy; she is yours,’ I should laugh at you both.”
I love that!!! "I GIVE MYSELF WHERE I CHOOSE!"
Perhaps this is my awakening….
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Does this mean there is trouble in paradise? Absolutely not. However, this is relatively new territory for us so we are dealing with the expected nervousness of the “what if”. We delved briefly into playing separately very early on in our relationship. However, at the time we were enjoying the newness of each other and playing alone wasn’t as enticing as enjoying new experiences and lovers together.
What has brought forth this renewed interest? Perhaps it is our desire to identify ourselves as individuals. The responsibilities of life can be smothering. It’s difficult when you feel you are solely identified by your role within your family unit. I think this is especially true of women; of mothers. I adore my daughter and relish being a mama. However, remembering we are more than a mama, wife, husband or daddy is at times difficult. What would it feel like to again just be Eva?
Does Hubby share these thoughts and motivations? I believe so. I also believe he misses the validation of being desired by someone who isn’t attached in some regard to his spouse. Swinging for men can be somewhat humbling. The truth is that often it is the women that receive the primary attention. The male partner is of course enjoyed but more as an added benefit than the star attraction. (This is of course not always the case but in our experience it is more common than not)
Because this is a new consideration we are still contemplating the details. I also think Hubby is still overcoming shock as this was my suggestion and is somewhat out of character for me. Many questions come to mind. Will we each have our own date night? Will one of us stay home with the baby while the other is out? Will we simply find a couple who plays in separate rooms? Will I play alone with another woman (something we’ve done before so this isn’t new territory) or a single man? There are a lot of crazy people in our world so Hubby has reservations of me meeting a man alone whom neither of us really know. So safety is another concern.
Of course the questions of how this will affect ‘us’ are also being tossed about. Will either of us be jealous? Jealousy is a natural emotion we have both experienced from time to time and have successfully dealt with. However, the differing dynamics of playing alone brings forth more opportunities for jealousy. How will we go forward in dealing with any jealous emotions that arise? What if one of us has a great time and the other does not? Where do we go from there? These are all expected questions and most certainly require some contemplation. I am confident we will be able to successfully navigate this new path with mutual respect, love and compassion.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Emotional attractiveness by far. Yes, physical attraction is important. But your personality greatly impacts your physical attractiveness. A person can have a kick ass body but a terrible personality which makes them less attractive. Where as someone can be moderately good looking and they have a rockin’ personality. That’s the person that is going to turn my head and get me wet.
2. On a scale from 1-10, how kinky are you?
7 or 8? I will (and have) try most anything once. I’m open to new experiences, new people, new sensations.
3. Sitting on Santa's lap... fun or creepy?
Oooh…that could be fun. You think if I tell Santa what a naughty girl I am he would spank me?!?
4. Have you ever fallen asleep or passed out during sex?
Thankfully no. I think my ego might be pretty bruised if someone fell asleep while I was fucking them. Ouch!
5. Do you wear socks to bed? Is that okay or totally unsexy?
Ha! Ha! I wore socks with Vicks on my feet when I was sick. Sooooo not sexy!
Bonus: What is your greatest strength? Weakness?
Sexually? I suck a mean cock! *wink* I also think I’m pretty good at the whole teasing seductive thing. Weakness? Hmmm… I’m not as in good a shape as I once was. So, there are times I just can’t stay in that same position forever. lol
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
1. Is there an entertaining story attached to (women) your first bra / (men) your first jockstrap?
Entertaining? No. A story? Yes. I developed early on. By the 4th grade I was wearing a C cup. In a sea of flat chested girls I was blatantly aware that my body was different. An experience in my formative years began my long held disapproval of my body which I still struggle with. Long story short, a boy from school assaulted me in an attempt to remove my bra. He made a bet with his friends, chased me down, threw me to the ground and attempted to remove my bra to take back as a souvenir to show off to all the boys evidence of his conquest. Sadly the boy in question was never punished and the phrase “Boys will be boys.” was used several times. As a result I refused to wear a bra for some time in part due to fear and extreme embarrassment.
I am determined to do differently with my daughter. I envision the day she gets her first bra to be a celebration of sorts. A day at the spa, mani’s, pedi’s and a trip to Victoria’s Secret to pick out the most lovely bra’s we can find.
2. Is there a story to (women) your first try at bralessness /(men) your first encounter with bralessness?
Nope. I often forgo panties but with DDD breasts going braless is not really an option.
3. How about your first time going commando?
In all honesty I have been going sans panties so long I can’t really remember a “first time”.
4. Or your first discovery of lack-of-underpants in another?
The first girl I fucked didn’t wear panties. I don’t have a specific memory beyond being excited that we had that in common. Until I got involved in the lifestyle I didn’t meet many people who went commando.
5. Any other good underwear-related tales to tell?
This is ironic but I always wear panties when I attend a swinger’s party. As free as I profess to be I still don’t like random fingers on certain parts of my body. Though I’ve never been ‘groped’ per say there are those men who like to graze their hands beneath your skirt as you pass by. I find the barrier of panties make me feel more at ease.
There have been some pretty major issues come up in the last week. With being sick the timing could not have been worse. Hubby and I have hit a wall. The stresses of the last few months are finally coming to a head and we are very rapidly reaching our breaking point. Much of the stresses we are experiencing are situational. Of course there are always those issues that rear their ugly head from time to time. Though we may endure a battle of wills on occasion Hubby and I always seem to find ourselves on common ground and working together - as a team.
Though finances are still a concern some major changes will be taking place in the next year. One of the major changes is that Hubby and I are moving. Though geographically the move is minor (just one town over) the impacts are huge. I won’t be delving into all of the drama of my family dynamic so suffice it to say it’s feeling a bit too close to home. One of the major benefits, beyond privacy, will be the ability to set firm boundaries with my family that I could not otherwise accomplish when they are in my back yard.
Another fairly big decision is my choice to return to therapy. They say that time heals all wounds, but unfortunately some wounds run too deep. While this topic is intensely private I can say at the end of the day my little trio is all that matters and I can no longer allow my past affect my future. If one were to describe me I would like to believe joyful would come to mind as opposed to damaged. Unfortunately as things stand damaged and jaded would be more apropos. It is a choice. You can live your life hurting and dwelling on what went wrong or you can take a step forward with courage, strength and grace. I am hopeful for the latter rather than the former.
Along the lines of self improvement I am determined to finally loose my baby weight. As shallow as it may seem the truth is I have agonized over the many changes my body underwent after the birth of our daughter. This internal angst has become more transparent in my procrastination in getting together with prospective lovers with the excuses of limited time or money. So, in addition to making peace with my body and loving myself, flaws and all, I am going to quit moping about it and get off my derriere.
Finally, and certainly not least I am looking into the option of returning to school. It’s been no secret that I have been envious of Hubby’s return to school. In dealing with these emotions I have discovered that I was feeling left behind. While Hubby has been pursuing his dreams and improving himself I have felt stagnate. While I adore my family I do not want to be defined solely by my role as a mother or a wife. The plan has always been that I return to school after Hubby graduates. Because we have a young child and having two full time college students is not an easy task financially we had never even considered the option. However, after a family member suggested looking into it I found that it is not so far out of reach as I had once believed.
Most of the time it's both."
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I think Poly relationships, like all other relationship variations, can be rewarding and fulfilling. But likewise, as with other relationship styles, requires work to be successful. That being said I have questioned the longevity without balance. It seems (at least to me) if all are on the same path it is much easier. So, triads and the like seem easier in some manner. All are equal working together as a unit. However, it seems that when there are differing levels of hierarchy (primary vs. secondary) it can become more tricky.
Speaking for myself, I have always found the thought of a triad with another woman appealing. However, in practice I think it’s unlikely to find someone that would be compatible (I am not the easiest person to live with).
2. What is on your list of relationship "deal breakers"?
Abuse. After surviving a physically and mentally abusive relationship I will never again put myself in that situation. Infidelity is also a big one. Though my definition differs from the traditional considering our lifestyle.
3. How long did it take you to find the type "you are into" and/or accept it?
I don’t have a physical type per say. Each person is sexy and beautiful in their own way. However, I knew I was attracted to out going confident personalities early on. In regards to being attracted to women - looking back that was also present very early on, though I didn’t recognize it as attraction at the time. That did actually take a while to accept it. I called myself ‘bi-curious’ because I was terrified of the label ‘bisexual’. Now I just go with it.
4. What is your view on full disclosure about past relationships? (Lies of omission not lies of commission)
It took me a long time to realize that the past is the past. It’s best to leave it there. I have a tumultuous past to say the least. I bared all to Hubby before we married. I felt it only right, considering I was still dealing with some of it, to give him a heads up. However, I don’t think it’s necessary to disclose every detail of your past relationships. Some traits are innate but I hold onto the belief that people can change and grow. Who you were with that person doesn’t necessarily define you as a person. (I’m wondering now if that’s the direction this question was geared toward. LOL Oh well….)
5. Have you ever been in a situation where you were not comfortable complying with the adventurous request of a lover?
Yep. Hubby likes the idea of including food in our sexual play. (Think licking whipped cream or honey off my breasts). I absolutely hate the thought of being sticky in any manner. We tried the whipped cream once but I had to go wash it off right away. lol Oh well, I tried. That’s one of the lovely things about our lifestyle - he is welcome to try it with another woman who may love it. No need to give up on that fantasy.
Friday, November 13, 2009
It is no surprise to anyone who reads my musings that I prefer women. Well, let me clarify. Without question I do enjoy men – I absolutely adore Hubby. But in the realm of ‘swinging’ it is a woman that gets my pulse rate up. Perhaps it is that I don’t have a real life woman to play with on a regular basis. Or, perhaps it is due to my tumultuous past I am forever jaded in the realm of men.
During a sexual encounter I enjoy every inch of the man I’m with. I do enjoy playing with couples a great deal. However, it is the chase that sometimes turns me off. I hate feeling like a piece of meat – something to be conquered. Unfortunately, a vast majority of the men I have encountered seem to be under the impression that women want them to control them – to impress them with their sexual prowess and dominance. This has never appealed to me.
Perhaps it is my distaste for overtly forward men that has me quite captivated and intrigued with a man we have been conversing with recently. His wife is equally intriguing because, well – she’s a woman. She also has a great personality and we have a good amount in common. But it is her Hubby that now has my attention. He is a ‘newbie’ having very little experience within this lifestyle (she played in a past life). Perhaps it is due to his inexperience and uncertainty with how to proceed that has prompted him to be more cautious (for lack of a better word).
I suppose if you have never been involved in this lifestyle in the past propositioning another man’s wife could be reason for pause. But whatever the reason I’m enjoying getting to know someone without the constant pushy sexual innuendo. It’s nice to know that someone may finding me sexually attractive and though he has the desire to fuck my brains out – in the light of day will treat me with courtesy rather than a object to be obtained.
Or, perhaps when it comes down to it I like the chase – rather than being hunted.
Sculpture - Kneeling Man Embracing a Standing Woman, Gustav Vigeland
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I lost my virginity at 18 years old in my boyfriend’s apartment. Nothing terribly exciting. I think back now on all the offers I had as a young girl to fuck and part of me wishes I hadn’t been so affected by my parent’s ‘scare’ tactics.
2. I think my ass is my best sexual feature. What is yours?
My breasts by far. Though it’s now a love hate thing. They are not what they once were (babies reek havoc on your body) and I’m in the process of embracing and loving the new me.
3. A recurring theme in my fantasies is being slammed up against the wall. Do you have a recurring fantasy or a theme to your fantasies?
Hmm…I have a lot of fantasies, most involving women. One of the most recurring is my girlfriend tying Hubby up and fucking him silly…while I watch and masturbate. I join in later of course. *wink*
4. I love watching guys masturbate. Do you enjoy watching others (a partner or a stranger) masturbate?
Yes! I love watching others masturbate. I also enjoy mutual masturbation. I am very voyeuristic so I imagine watching a stranger masturbate would be equally arousing.
5. I hate when guys are quiet in bed. I like to hear you moaning as you cum. Do you like you partners quiet? Are you quiet?
A girl needs that positive reinforcement - so moan away, let me know I’m doing my job right! I am a screamer. Though I am told that right before I cum I get quiet for a few moments and start breathing heavily and then….I let loose!
6. I love playing with nipples. Do you having your nipples played with?
Yes, I love my nipples played with. A soft tongue caressing them, gentle nibbles, hard pinching the closer I get to cumming, nipple clamps. (I dedicated an HNT to my love of nipple play) You name it I love it! Here’s a little known fact. Before I had my nipples pierced I had very little sensation in my nipples - literally I could only feel pressure. Unfortunately the piercing didn’t last but it was well worth it to now be able to enjoy an array of delicious sensations.
7. My ‘number’ is between 15 and 25. What is your 'number'?
My ‘number’ is in the 20 range. Ironically I have fucked more people as a married woman than I ever did when I was single. I got off to a bit of a late start. *wink*
Monday, November 9, 2009
"Authentic Self "is a term I hear often at church. However, it is a term that I often struggle with. While I have never considered myself terribly religious, I do consider myself to be spiritual and I have long since believed my spiritual path and lifestyle can coexist.
My church rocks! We believe it is the message that is sacred, not the method. With that in mind our weekend services are reminiscent of a rock concert complete with smoke, lights, videos and a kick ass band. We believe worship can be fun – a celebration of God’s love and presence within our lives. We have earned the reputation about town as the “sinner’s church” in part due to the acceptance of all people regardless of where you are on your spiritual path, how you dress, your sex, race or sexual preference.
Sex is openly discussed and it’s encouraged to enjoy the best sex life you can – within your marriage. For example, we recently were greeted in the lobby by our leaders soaking in a tub. In part of our recent series on marriage it was discussed how one couple’s recipe for success was to take a bath together every night. It was during that intimate time they communicated about their day and any problems they were facing as a couple. And, so, there they sat soaking together in a tub in an attempt to encourage us and to of course provide a good chuckle. I can tell you, being raised a strict Southern Baptist, how uncommon this sort of display is.
But it is the term Authentic Self that at times causes some inner turmoil. We are encouraged to be real and authentic. Each time we hear that phrase mentioned Hubby and I give one another a sideways glance because we know that there are parts of ourselves that will always be hidden.
It’s not that we desire to discuss our sexual exploits, no more than I would discuss my sexual relationship were we monogamous. Some things should remain private after all. But it’s the other discussions of life that we often sensor. For example when asked what my hobbies are I can only share my more vanilla endeavors.
A simple question, “What did you do today?”, becomes an inner conflict.
In truth I may have written an entry here, read a few of my fav sex blogs, responded to a message or two on a swinger website, emailed a few photos to prospective lovers, taken HNT photos etc., none of which I can share without giving away more of myself than I am comfortable. Instead I may say I followed up on some prospective leads for a job or took my daughter to the park. While this description of my day is true, the omission of my other interests is most certainly contradictory to the sentiment of my Authentic Self.
Even transparency about my interests is seemingly impossible. While I am able to share my interest in homosexual rights I am unable to share my equaled interest in polyamory and other alternative relationships. Even something as simple as what I am reading causes conflict. I can’t say how much I am enjoying reading the second addition of The Ethical Slut. Instead I consider my audience and discuss another favorite book, God Chicks.
Unfortunately, as much as I despise the thought, I find myself compartmentalizing my life. To do otherwise would risk alienating myself from a place that I otherwise feel at peace. And, so, I will continue the balancing act until the day comes that I can be truly authentic.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
I have been slacking on providing updates on previous posts. And, well, since I have a great deal more time on my hands I decided it was time to tie up some loose ends.
After allowing the stuff of life to interfere with the frequency in which Hubby and I were fucking we decided to dedicate 30 days to fucking. While this did the trick to remind us to make intimacy a priority – we did not exactly stick to the 30 days to the letter. Unfortunately our lil trio came down with a flu…and, well….
The list has not been forgotten! While Hubby and I have enjoyed some pretty amazing fuck fests they have not included any cameo appearances. If you notice a majority if not all of my fantasies often include either the addition of another woman or some good ol’ group fucking. Since our swinger side hasn’t had an opportunity of late to come out and play the bucket list is inadvertently on hold as well. Soon…I hope.
Hubby and I had a date scheduled recently with a hot sexy woman whom we met via Craigslist. Unfortunately circumstances came up on both ends that forced us to reschedule. She is most certainly still in the picture. We continue to exchange deliciously dirty texts, emails and photos and we anticipate a meeting and fucking very, very soon!
More specifically we anticipate our drought of sorts will soon be over. We have made some good connections via our fav swinger sight and at this juncture it’s a matter of scheduling. It also doesn’t help that, due to my recent set back in employment, finances are somewhat of an issue. Swinger club dues in addition to the cost of a babysitter for the evening can add up quickly. But where there is a will there is a way!
In addition to some couples that are very appealing I am especially excited to see how things pan out with a sexy lesbian couple that contacted us recently. Three women – bodies hot, sweaty and intertwined…the mind reels! Of course, I am not sure if Lesbian is the appropriate term considering they are both bi-sexual. What ever you call them they are sexy as hell and most importantly they totally dig us! *wink*
Friday, October 30, 2009
"I felt it was time to play. Most of my thoughts, time and energy had gone into creative effort. And this restriction of the love drive, the headshrinkers will tell you, is the greatest urge one really has. When one sublimates the sex drive into creative work it puts a person on high gear, mentally. I admit it. But it's against my nature to bottle up the biological plans of pleasure for any length of time. I hope I don't sound as if I have discovered the secret salve that soothes the universe, but I do want to add my small footnote on the subject.
This quote resonates with me recently. Though I haven’t been pouring myself into creative efforts I have been placing a majority of my attentions on the responsibilities of life. Like all women I wear many hats. That of a wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee, etc. I have for many months been neglecting my own pleasure. I have been aware of the growing neglect but have made only mediocre attempts to correct it.
In the world of “no pain = no gain” it becomes easy, especially for women, to place others needs and desires above our own in the pursuit of being the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect employee. In my case it also became a cop out of sorts. Lets face it – being true to yourself and your desires takes courage, gusto and determination.
While I do not have all the answers I do know something’s gotta give. Pleasure is a choice - a decision to enjoy ones life. I want every day to be about pleasure, passion and fulfillment - not a special treat on my Birthday or Anniversary. I want to create a life where pleasure is the rule rather than the exception. Does this sound selfish? Maybe. Or perhaps that is what our puritanical society has conditioned us to feel.
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Until about 4pm yesterday I moped around a wallowed in self pity. But finally, at Hubby’s insistence, I unwound with a hot bath, candles and my fav music. As the warm water began to relax the tension in my muscles my mind also became more clear.
One of the most difficult lessons to learn but also the most important is to roll with the punches. I have faced much greater trials in my life so while this is discouraging I am up for the challenge. So, with that positive outlook in mind I decided to treat myself to an evening of pleasure.
I pleasured myself - literally - in the bath. I learned at a young age the deliciously wonderful sensations a pulsating shower head can create. I then enjoyed an evening of pampering complete with mani, pedi, facial and all the sweet smelling lotions and potions. My toes look fab in my fav pink polish btw! *wink* I admit I did polish off a bottle of wine. (Just a side note - this is a rarity for me. I do enjoy a glass of wine a few times a week with dinner or after the baby is in bed. Generally it stops at a single glass. However, this evening I decided to treat myself and completely unwind). I spent the remainder of the evening watching my favorite movie (“The Thomas Crown Affair - I could definitely live with Catherine Banning’s life.)
And now refreshed and renewed I am ready to face a new day. Truth be told I hated my job. While it did pay the bills it was mind numbingly boring. I often complained to Hubby how much I thoroughly despised my days because of my job. I also wasn’t all too successful in hiding my envy of Hubby’s return to school, while I was doing something I did not enjoy on any level. In truth I was settling because I felt it was best for the family as it allowed me to be home with our daughter. However, as Hubby pointed out, this is a much needed nudge to do something I actually enjoy; something I could respect myself for.
So, as they say, when one door closes, another one opens. While the financial stresses are always in my mind I am determined to remain positive and to see this as an opportunity rather than a set back. While the uncertainty is definitely nerve wracking I am also excited at the anticipation of finding something great.
It’s a new day - and a new me!
While I had seen warnings floating about referencing concerns with productivity being below standards I thought I was in the clear because I was performing well. While I won’t go into the details, suffice it to say it feels like a kick in the teeth to be discharged for upholding their policies. And to add insult to injury, with the exception of student loans, mine was our only income. We are now in very scary territory.
Hubby, darling that he is, is nothing but supportive and encouraging. It is truly during the tough times that you see what a person is made of. I have said this many times in my life but he is truly my rock.
So, with that being said, I am going to retreat and lick my wounds a bit. I have determined I am going to give myself today to mope and feel sorry for myself. I’ll put on my brave face tomorrow. So for now, I am going to crack open a bottle of wine, take a bubble bath, curl up with my daughter and watch a movie - anything and everything I can to avoid thinking of the “what if’s” of our financial future.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I have been semi aware of my propensity to be perceived harsher than was intended. However, it has been spending a greater amount of time with my mother that I have become glaringly aware just how similar we are in that regard. This fact is very disturbing. While I do love and respect her purely for who she is, at times I don’t like her. It is not necessarily her actions because I do know her heart is in the right place. Better put, it's not the message but more so the method.
This manner of addressing others comes out often within my personal life and occasionally in my blog and via the social network of the world wide web.
I am a very passionate person by nature and as such tend to pour myself heart and soul into that which has captured my attention. While I have no desire to dilute my voice it would not hurt to soften my approach.
So, while I will continue to speak my mind - it is my blog after all - I will attempt to broach topics of interest in a tone that is more easily digested.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It got me to thinking. I suspect that, if those of us in alternative relationships felt more comfortable being open about who we are, the sheer numbers would be impressive. The Kinsey Institute for Research estimates there are more than 4 million swingers in America. However, I would be willing to wager that this number is significantly larger.
It also got me to thinking about the increased popularity of swinging within the younger generations. It seems that alternative lifestyles in general are becoming more and more accepted; slowly but surely. This is not only true of the swinger community but also plural marriages, , and the homosexual community to name a few.
It’s surreal to consider how many people I have met in normal day to day life whom I later found were swingers; this is not to mention family members. Hubby’s parents were swingers. We have suspected my aunt & uncle after my mom found a photo of them & another couple nude in the hot tub. Not to mention their numerous "camping" trips with other couples. My sister had a brief stint in an open marriage. I have happened across many a swinger profiles online of couples and women I knew within my normal day to day life. Hubby has been recognized by patients via our photos online. I wouldn’t be surprised if every person within our country knows at least a handful of people who are secretly practicing an alternative non-monogamous relationship.
Personally I find these tidbits of information to be reassuring. It's nice to know you're in good company. I believe, thanks in part to those who are coming forth within the mainstream media, that we are ever so slowly evolving and eventually alternative relationship dynamics will become not only accepted but common place.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Honestly considering our current living arrangements and with having a young child the home I would have to say romance. I think it’s not uncommon for new parents to struggle balancing their alone time with family time. In our case I think more recently we are ‘fucking’ more often than making love purely due to time constraints.
2. What is your worst habit?
I come by it honest, but I tend to dwell and over analyze pretty much any aspect of my life. This can be a blessing and curse at the same time. I believe it has kept me from making poor choices however it can be quite exhausting to over think some of the pleasures of life as well.
3. Do you take compliments well?
No. Not at all. I become embarrassed, blush and struggle with what to say in return.
4. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All of the above. lol See #2. I have had some trying times in my past and it has been a struggle for me to leave the past where it belongs. However, with all the changes in recent months I would say I think a great deal more about our goals for the future.
5. Do you feel everyone has a soulmate?
While I do think there are select people out there whom we connect with on a deeper level, I don’t think those connections are limited to only one. I find it interesting that people do tend to come into our life precisely at the time we need them. Call it what you will - soulmates, fate or just dumb luck.
Bonus (as in optional): "Where Would You Wish To Wake Up?"
In 5 star resort on a secluded tropical island with Hubby. The cool ocean breeze caressing my skin. No responsibilities. No time constraints. No stress. No worries. Just me, Hubby and the ocean.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I am especially intrigued at the possibility of finding the much sought after Unicorn. The lady in question is sexy as hell with killer curves. I have always been attracted to strong women who could hold their own in any given situation. She is no exception. She has confidence in spades and is uber sexual.
We are meeting up at a local swinger club. I am quite excited to check out the local swinger scene. I think it comes to a surprise, to those outside our ‘lifestyle’, that this is a very empowering environment for women. As one local club so eloquently put it, “The ladies are our most precious commodities. They are the reason we are all here. So defer to their wishes and comfort level, let them set the tone of events and respect them at all times.” This is truly the sentiment of the ‘swinger’ community as a whole. Women are adored and respected. It’s ironic, the contrast from ‘vanilla’ society, given the popular misgivings.
Hubby I think is more excited for the opportunity for me to connect with someone outside of my family and our home. I have been, as you will easily read here, in a bit of a rut of late. I am quite sure this will be a welcome change and a much needed push out of my funk.
You never really know until you meet in person if everyone will connect and there will be a tangible chemistry. However, regardless the outcome of the evening I am enthralled at the mere thought of being back into the ‘swing’ of things, so to speak.
P.S. I am a bad girl… I didn’t post an HNT photo this week. Wanna spank me? Not to worry…I will make amends this Thursday. *wink*
Thursday, October 15, 2009
We have had a fair amount of family obligations this week. We both get a small thrill texting with lovers while we are doing the family thang. It’s like our naughty lil secret and we pass a few winks here and there and sneak away to whisper about what’s being said. It’s our way to insert a lil excitement to what may be an otherwise dull evening.
That being said. Hubby was conversing with a couple we had not previously seen photos of. They exchanged 4 photos - face photos of both, her breasts, and zoomed in photo of his cock. Now, let me preface this to say I am not terribly turned on by cock photos. I read on a blog recently (sorry I can’t remember which one) that a cock photo is like opening your presents before Christmas. I couldn’t agree more! I would much rather see a photo of your face or a strong broad chest. A fellow blogger recently posted the most sexy photo for HNT. It’s was amazingly hot because it was the whole package with the slightest tease to what is below.
Don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate the male form. I love a good cock. I love the look of it. I love the feel of it in my mouth, my pussy, my ass. I love cock - when it’s tangible. A cock photo with nothing behind it does nothing for me. It’s the flirtation, the interaction and mutual excitement that gets me going.
The same can be true to some degree for women. It is the personality that makes me wet. However, I do find that the female body is more desirably photographed. I don’t think I am necessarily within the minority in that regard.
However, this particular couple was evidently keeping score. Hubby relayed that I thought he was an attractive man and of course took note of her breasts. She asked what I thought of his cock. I gave the obligatory, “It looks nice and thick.” Evidently there was not enough attention paid to what he thought was a superb example of the male specimen.
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when a man (or woman for that matter) fishes for compliments. I love mutual flattery. I love the flirtation and expressing one another’s mutual desire. I am all for dirty talk and explaining in detail how I am going to fuck you sideways. However, I am not and will not be your Insta-Ego boost!
Oh, and just for good measure. There is no such thing as “situationally Bi”. Either like pussy or you don’t.
Ahhh, glad I got that off my chest. *wink*
P.S. I’m running a bit behind but please check back tomorrow for HNT!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What this little darling did not know, and may never fully realize, is how she has transformed my life forever. It is because of her that I have pushed forward leaving the past where it so long ago needed to be. It is because of her that I have striven to be the woman I always knew I could be. The woman I must be. For this blond little cherub, who came from the heavens, deserves the best this world has to offer.
I knew from the moment my eyes met hers that I would forever be changed because I was lucky enough to have known her. My darling little girl, the love o’ my life. You will forever have my heart.
Monday, October 12, 2009
HNT courtesy of Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen.
This Week’s Picks
“Sometimes I miss you so much that I am pitiful.”
“I feel the weight of someone kneeling between my legs.”
Give me one
“Give me your orgasm.”
In Which Steff Has The Worst Birthday Ever
(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)
Options. Confession #349
What the hell is “rape-rape”?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
My introduction to non-monogamy began long before I met Hubby. Thinking back it was my adopted sister’s brief stint in an open marriage that planted the seed in my mind. Her Hubby’s job as an engineer for the railroad kept him away from home. They decided to open their marriage more for practicality purposes. It wasn’t long before the arrangement ended in part due to my sister’s frustration that he had more dates than she did.
My first serious boyfriend, at 18 years of age, introduced me to swinging after I had confessed my attraction to women. First we began going to strip clubs and fantasizing how hot it would be to have a threesome with another woman. He had told me of a club he had frequented when he was stationed in Hawaii. He described it as “anything goes”. I didn’t put two and two together exactly what he meant at the time. Later, when I went to my first swinger club, it became clear.
I was in awe of the openness and acceptance of your sexuality. I was still very inhibited with the nervousness of youth so I was more of a voyeur than a participant. I revelled in the freedom of it all. Naked bodies dancing together - loving and accepting of each other. Orgies with bodies so intertwined that you couldn’t tell where one person began and another ended. It was intoxicating.
It was in a later relationship with my first husband that I began to fully explore my sexuality. It was then that I finally had my first experience with a woman and solidified that I was most definitely bisexual. We discovered that we both had an interest in swinging and enjoyed exploring our sexuality outside of our marriage. Though this relationship was not what I would deem successful (the story in itself is sad, depressing and entirely too long. Suffice to say he lost his battle with mental illness and took his own life) I was thankful for it’s many lessons. I learned that I can be monogamous within a relationship and feel fulfilled. However, I also learned that I prefer some manner of an open relationship. Most importantly I learned that any relationship, either monogamous or open, can not work without trust, mutual respect and honesty.
When I met Hubby is was a period of rebirth in my life. My first husband had died. I was living by myself for the first time (yes, sad but true). After spending 8 years with an abusive and very controlling husband I was thoroughly enjoying finding myself again. This may have put Hubby to a bit of a disadvantage as I wasn’t looking to fall in love or get married. I wouldn’t agree to even so much as go on a date with him in the beginning. We talked on the phone, emailed, text etc.. for over a month before I finally agreed to have lunch with him. We soon discovered that we both shared and affinity for open sexuality and were surprised that though we had never met we ran in some of the same circles.
Though the end result was similar Hubby began his sexual exploration much earlier on than I. I am sure the knowledge that his parents were swingers helped things along a bit (his parents to this day have no idea that he knows btw). In college he became involved within the swinging community both as a single guy and occasionally with a female partner. When we met he was in his 30’s and had never married which, he says now, was in part because he knew that he wanted a relationship which had room for openness.
While we always knew we would eventually want to fuck other people, in the beginning we agreed that we needed time for us. So, we did not play until we were married and the first year of our marriage was closed. When we finally decided to open our marriage it first began with discussing fantasies and dirty talk. It quickly progressed to again becoming involved within a community with which we were already quite familiar. We discovered through trial and error that for the most part we prefer to play together. We both find seeing the other give and receive pleasure to be an aphrodisiac and when we play separately it feels that something is missing; perhaps it is that extra bit of adrenaline. However, playing separately is always on the table. I have never, within this relationship, played with men alone. It just doesn’t appeal to me. I do enjoy girlfriends and there is something to be said for having some one on one girl time. More recently I have had an increasing interest in finding a girlfriend in which both he and I can play both together and separately.
In the span of our relationship we have been both monogamous and non-monogamous. In addition to the time we devoted to ourselves early on we have, when we felt it appropriate, closed up shop. For example after the birth of our daughter we had an urge to retreat into our little cocoon to enjoy being a family without any outside influences. More recently we are situationally monogamous due to our move away from our previous partners.
While we may define our relationship as being open or that we are ‘swingers’ I thoroughly enjoy that there are no limits to it. Our life and relationship is ours to create. We enjoy the freedom to choose if and when we play with others. I also greatly appreciate that this was our choice. Neither of us pressured the other or made the other feel being open was a prerequisite of the relationship.
Very lucky indeed!