Thursday, April 29, 2010

Musing No. 84 - Balance

Have I ever told you that I'm a professional plate spinner? I have so many plates going I make myself dizzy. I've got the wife plate going, the mama plate, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, lover, employee etc... That's a lot of plates! Can you relate? Probably.

With all these plates going at once it requires a lot of balance. Balance is not my forte. It seems as soon as you have all your plates spinning in unison life throws a gust of wind your way throwing your balance off. Just as I thought I had the mama plate going we made the decision to move. Just as I got the mama & work plate going I was laid off.

Recently I've been pretty amazed at my spinning skills. This is the first I've worked out of the home in a full time job in several years. Not to mention a challenging schedule (2nd shift). It has taken some time, patience and discipline but I'm getting pretty good at this balance thing. Though it takes getting up a little earlier (me) or staying up a little later (him) Hubby and I manage to enjoy at least two meals together despite having opposite schedules. I spend quality time with my very energetic toddler, who thinks its thrilling to get into everything, including play dates and trips to the park. I clean my house and manage to keep some semblence of order. We go to church and manage to squeeze in ocassional trists with our girlfriend (church and illicit sex in the same sentence? gasp! lol I couldn't resist, my life is a dichotomy) This is in addition to working full days (well technically nights) where I am currently exceeding my goals. Somehow amomgst all this I still manage time for myself; reading, yoga (so I can keep my sanity), ocassional bubble baths and regular orgasms.

This is my ideal. I have carefully honed my ability to balance all the plates of life without spinning out of control. However much as I try I'm not Superwoman. So when the gusts of wind come my way there is nothing more I can do than pick up the pieces and begin again.

For instance my sex blogging plate doesn't spin as smoothly as I would like. Finding uninterupted quiet time isn't always easy. As I type I am on my break at work; squeezing in where I can. Also, as I learned yesterday evening taking HNT photos after getting home from work at 10:30pm isnt conducive to the mood. At that point I and my photographer (hubby) are dog tired and sexying it up for the camera is unlikely. There's always the weekend!

That's the thing about spinning so many plates; sometimes you have to get creative to find your balance.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Musing. No. 83 - Shut Down

…that’s what I do when faced with a stressful situation. Not good but that’s how I function until I can come to terms with whatever is transpiring within my life. I curl up within my little cocoon…until I’m ready to face the world again. Unfortunately my blog is not immune.

Hubby and I recently had a scare. The big C word was raising it’s ugly head again. Hubby is a Cancer survivor. 5 years. There was an agonizing period of time when it was a very real possibility Hubby had Cancer again. We are relieved and very thankful that Hubby has been given a clean bill of health!

And to add insult to injury, while going through the Cancer scare, Hubby’s diabetes was completely out of control. Which meant an emergency trip to the hospital because there was concern he was having a stroke. Thankfully that too was a false alarm. But Hubby does now have a constant reminder how important it is to keep his health on track. He has permanent nerve damage in his hand and arm. It’s still functioning but painful. It’s possible to repair over time…but only time will tell.

All this amidst moving, adjusting going back to work and my new schedule, continued family drama and a very active toddler…I was just a wee bit overwhelmed. And I’ll admit the stress of life coupled with very little time together has been somewhat damaging to our relationship. However, we have managed to work through it, as we always do, and hopefully having reached the ‘other side‘ we have learned something substantial. I am a firm believer in the philosophy of that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I am proud to say the same of our marriage. All marriages go through rough patches and we are most definitely not immune. However, it makes me proud to think that when the chips are down, though we may be temporarily stunned, we always brush ourselves off…and rise…together.

I realize shutting myself off from the outside world is not exactly the best way to deal with the trials and tribulations of life. Numerous times I sat here…screen blank…and the words simply wouldn’t come. I am envious of those who can utilize the written word to vent their frustration and sort out their chaotic thoughts. This is not a tool I have within my arsenal.

That being said…life is finally normalizing and I finally feel as I can come back up for air. Now that the chaos has passed I can reflect.

Life is remarkably well. I am almost afraid to verbalize how good I feel for fear the next shoe will drop. But in truth I am happier than I have been in some time.

My new position is going amazingly well. The schedule that we were once so nervous about has actually turned out the perfect combination for us. Because our time is more limited Hubby and I have been forced to put forth the effort to spend quality time together when it presents itself…something we now realize we had allow to fall by the wayside. Time is something you take for granted when you think it will always be in ample supply. We have also found it suits us well to have time to ourselves.

Independence, a sense of self and autonomy is important within a relationship.

Though it takes some sacrifice (a little less sleep) and discipline I find that after being able to squeeze in some time with Hubby during our early morning breakfasts I revel in those few moments of solidarity while our daughter is still sleeping peacefully in bed. During these precious moments in the wee hours of the morning I am able to take the much needed time for myself. I read, write in my journal, yoga, masturbate, reflect upon my day or some mornings just lazily sip my coffee. It has become quite cathartic.

Due to the changes within our life we have put the lifestyle somewhat on the back burner. We haven’t actively pursued new lovers. However, we are still seeing our girlfriend Callie. Friday evening we have a date with she and her boyfriend. After several cancelled plans due to conflicting schedules this will be the first we have met him. It should be interesting to see if we all click. I have some reservations, which I will discuss at a later date, but I am hopeful because we thoroughly enjoy our time with Callie.

Over the last few months we are finding our desires, needs and expectations within the lifestyle are changing a bit. Perhaps we are growing. We are somewhat torn in what we want. Until we can articulate in a tangible way we will continue with the status quo. We had previously considered playing separately however this is a desire that never came to fruition. Considering the recent stresses of life I think it will be a while before we decide to take that particular fantasy into reality.

So, I am still here, perhaps a little worse for the wear, but hopefully a bit wiser.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Musing No. 82 – Drained.

I am finally coming up for air after an insanely busy two weeks!

Late last month I was offered a wonderful opportunity to begin working with a well-respected financial institution. Considering the private nature of the information I will have access to I had to jump through what seemed like never ending hoops to thoroughly check my background; and understandably so!

I am so thankful for the opportunity especially within the current economic climate. The financial repercussions for my family are HUGE. That being said, adjusting to working an eight to five job again after working as an independent contractor has been somewhat of an adjustment. Last Monday was my first day and I am still getting used to the routine of sitting still for 8 hours straight. When coupled with my hour plus commute each way I came home a very tired girl.

But thankfully, the hour plus commute is a thing of the past! We have finally moved!!! We are within a few miles of my job and only a few more to Hubby’s campus. No more long drives to get to the nearest convenience store much less a decent restaurant! No more feeling smothered by having family seemingly on top of us!

We were able to move into our new home last weekend which means hopefully in the next couple of weeks we will have an ‘adult’ themed dinner party!

Eva is one happy girl! Cheers!

P.S. As our Internet service has not been installed yet posting to my blog takes some creativity. Please bear with me.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Musing No. 81 - HNT. Curves

"Cultivate your curves
- they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided."
~Mae West


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Musing No. 80 - Awkward.

My Saturday night did not turn out exactly as I would have liked. I was going to write about it yesterday but instead decided to take some time to reflect and hopefully calm down because honestly I was quite angry at the whole situation.

I have the nasty habit of being passive aggressive within my relationships (who me?). This is something I work very hard at keeping in check but unfortunately I am human and thus fallible. I wrote recently about a woman, Samantha, who is part of a couple that I was feeling uncomfortable with. I agreed to give them a chance, for Hubby’s sake, and get together with the hopes that perhaps we were reading them wrong. While a portion of my thought process was to give them a fair shot I admit a majority of my motivation had significant passive aggressive undertones. I hoped, that if I was right and they were trouble, that by giving Hubby the freedom to explore that interest he would see them (or her) for the cads they really are and loose all interest, thereby making me feel vindicated. Not smart and not emotionally mature behavior!

I could have (and looking back should have) pulled the plug at any given time. When I attempted to flirt with her for the millionth time via text, a few hours before we were set to meet, and was again met with “I’m so wonderful, you’re lucking I’m talking to you” sort of blasé response I should have nixed the whole thing.

But, I didn’t.

In my defence I did go into the evening with the intention of having a good time. I had given Samantha and the whole situation way too much head space. So, what does any girl do if she wants to feel sexy and amazing?!? Get a new outfit of course!!! I bought a new black bustier (which will be making an appearance for HNT btw) which made my breasts look amazing. I spent the afternoon being pampered with a mani and pedi. I wore the perfect outfit to accentuate my assets; my new bustier, a short black skirt, a black sweater with the buttons undone enough to peak at what was underneath and my favorite ‘come fuck me’ boots. I looked and felt amazing!

We met at the local Outback for dinner. I was impressed that her Hubby was much more outgoing than I had expected. He was very shy from the onset and I was afraid that would be the case in person. Though he was significantly more outgoing in person he was not flirtatious in any way. I questioned numerous times throughout the evening if he was even the slightest bit attracted to me. And that would be perfectly ok if he wasn't. Not everyone is attracted.

She on the other hand was quite into Hubby and showed it. This made the entire evening feel very one sided and awkward. Poor Hubby didn’t know what to do because while he was most definitely attracted to Samantha and like anyone enjoyed the attention he didn’t want me to feel left out.

We left from dinner and went to a local bar for drinks. Again I should have utilized our code phrase and left.

But, I didn’t.

I’m a stubborn, hard headed bitch at times. So, I don’t take well to being put in my place, as was apparently Samantha’s goal the whole evening. I certainly wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction. So, I flirted, laughed and joked with the best of them; but of course, good girl that I am, I did so in as a respectful and tasteful way as I could muster.

Samantha had told us previously that the most recent couple they had met had not turned out well. The guy was very into her but the woman was ‘a lump on a log’. She said the woman didn’t like her at all. Well, after spending an entire evening with her I can understand why. After hearing the story previously I should have seen the red flags and cancelled.

But, I didn’t.

So, I watched as Samantha did one thing after another to garner attention from both of our spouses. I watched as she would literally turn her back to me if I said or did anything that directed the spot light my way. She was, as Hubby refers to it, very ‘Me-Centric’. I swear, “Anything you can do, I can do better!” was playing over and over in her head the entire evening. The phrases, “I’m crazy!”, “Don’t you think I’m crazy?” were repeated, over and over and over, to the point I wanted to shove them down her throat.

I love people who love life. Our girlfriend, Callie, loves life! She is flirtatious, charming and sometimes a complete ham! But she does so because she’s loving herself and the people around her and wants to have a good time. She naturally gets a lot of attention because her gregarious personality and zest for life is infectious and she makes people around her feel good! Samantha, on the other hand, is a show-off who needs to have ALL the attention to rally her self esteem. Not only is this quality very fake and somewhat pathetic but also very unattractive.

So, while she may have a very attractive body, because her personality was less than appealing I had ZERO attraction to her. This is another aspect that made the whole situation very awkward because while Hubby was annoyed by the “Hey y’all, watch this!” antics he could more easily put it aside because he found her physically sexy.

This is a new situation we found ourselves in and as such we probably didn’t handle it the best. We do not always find everyone equally as appealing. But, generally there is some basic attraction that either of us can expand on. In this case there was nothing to work with on my end - no where to go. So, do I take one for the team because Hubby digs her or do I respectfully decline and tell Hubby “Sorry, better luck next time”?

I might have taken one for the team if I had my own playmate to direct my attention. But, her Hubby was very much a cold fish. Evidently he did find me attractive, and told Hubby as much while I was in the ladies room. But he never gave me any inkling. I might have been (might is a very broad term because after all the drama I’m not sure how comfortable I could have really been) open to sitting this one out and letting Hubby play alone - but this couple has no interest in that.

It was very much a no win situation.

In the end while it was very annoying it was not something I couldn’t deal with and easily bounce back from…

Well, sort of… Hubby did get a bit carried away with the attention and his desire. There were a few moments that were somewhat pressuring because he was really really hoping we would all click. For example when, after Samantha and Hubby had been at the bar whispering, they both rushed over like little kids to their mama saying, “He’s really into you, just go up and kiss him!” It was very much, “We REALLY want to play so you two get on board! Pleeeeeeease!”. And the numerous questions whispered from Hubby, “Do you like her?” and as he looked her up and down, “Isn’t she hot!, Don’t you like her?” etc… was not comfortable. And finally, at the end of the evening, after I got short vanilla kiss from both Samantha and her Hubby, she and my Hubby got in full on make out mode with a passionate long kiss, which made it more so uncomfortable. While I could cut him some slack because I’m sure he would not intentionally make me feel uncomfortable and I could understand it is easy to get carried away with your desires, it was unpleasant nonetheless.

So in the end I was a very angry girl. I was angry at Samantha’s behavior. I was angry that Hubby was in my opinion disrespectful by pressuring me and part of me wished he would ‘defend my honor’. But most importantly I was angry at myself; angry for not communicating enough what I wanted, angry for being passive aggressive by basically ‘testing’ Hubby by putting him in a situation I knew I would feel uncomfortable and he would be tempted.

A bruised ego but lots of lessons learned!